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    Teen British singer, Joss Stone will replace Sarah Jessica Parker as the new face of The Gap ad campaign. The company says it wanted to use someone who actually is 17 years old, as opposed to Parker, who only acts likes she's 17 years old.

    ~Jake Novak

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    A new study says America's tab for health care —already the highest in the world — will hit $3.6 trillion by 2014 and that's not even counting all the plastic surgeries Joan Rivers is going to have!

    ~Jake Novak

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    Senator Hillary Clinton has announced she is starting a drive against "sex in the media," or as they called it during her husband's administration, "the news."

    ~Rob Bates

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    Los Angeles County District Attorney Steve Cooley says his office had a great case against actor Robert Blake and the jurors who acquitted him are "incredibly stupid." But legal experts say Cooley's fatal mistake was picking jurors who were all from Los Angeles.

    ~Jake Novak

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    Amid the political chaos in Kyrgyzstan, looting has broken out. Most looters are desperately looking for vowels.

    ~Jake Novak

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    At hearings earlier in the week, it was disclosed that there are a number of part-time terrorists.  Of course, you know part-time terrorists don't get the full benefits of full-time terrorists. Like instead of 72 virgins when they die, these guys just get two hookers and a goat.

    ~Jay Leno

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    The U.S. Senate passed a bankruptcy law that makes it tougher to escape credit card bills. It's high time. If people want to spend money they don't have and run up debts they can't repay they will have to run for Congress like everybody else.

    ~Argus Hamilton

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    Early today Michael [Jackson] met with his priest - not for spiritual advice, they went on a double date.

    ~Jay Leno

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    A television poll to decide the greatest French person in history rated Napoleon 16th. How ironic he didn't even make the short list. What's more amazing is that the French could come up with 15 other great French people.

    ~Jim Barach

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    Queen Elizabeth will skip the wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla to avoid condoning adultery. The ceremony will take place in a registry office. The Bill Clinton Presidential Library must be booked two months ahead for this kind of thing.

    ~Argus Hamilton

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    Alan Greenspan and the Federal Reserve are expected to raise interest rates for the seventh straight time today. Greenspan says the latest hike will keep inflation down, buoy the stock market, and finally convince middle class Americans that nobody actually gives a damn about them.

    ~Jake Novak

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    The newly elected Iraq assembly has convened. Its members pledged to uphold the highest ethical standards. In our Congress, that's what you
would call "leading off with a good joke."

    ~Alan Ray

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    U2's Bono has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. In a related story, Keith Richards has been nominated for the Nobel Prize in Chemistry.

    ~Jim Barach

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    The Palestinian parliament has approved a new 24-member Cabinet, half of whom have doctoral degrees proving once again that if you want to find people who really hate Israel, you have to go to the universities.

    ~Jake Novak

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    The drastic reduction in shark attacks for the state of Florida last year can only mean one thing: Floridians are less delicious than they used to be.

    ~Matt Passet

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    Palestinian terror group Hamas on Friday became a political party. Hezbollah just became a political party in Syria. They are the first parties in history to be organized around the principle that sundown is an international Jewish plot.

    ~Argus Hamilton

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    Gas is so expensive, I saw Jose Canseco and Barry Bonds carrying their cars.

    ~Jay Leno

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    California's Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke out against gay marriage, then he went back to slathering oil on his muscles in front of other guys.

    ~Craig Ferguson

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    Congress is asking baseball players to testify about steroids. Asked about the steroid problem President Bush said "I just use a little preparation H."

    ~Craig Ferguson

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   Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that she would not run for president in 2008 "unless the Democrats nominate somebody really easy again."

    ~Andy Borowitz

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    Now that the Florida Supreme Court has ruled in favor of removing Terry Schiavo's feeding tube, House Republicans are pushing for a bill to block the procedure. For some reason, the Congressmen really identify with a brain-damaged person who doesn't appear to be able do anything.

    ~Jake Novak

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    Congress has asked several current and former baseball players to testify before them this week about the steroid scandal but only two players have said they'll show up. Apparently the others players don't have the balls.

    ~Craig Ferguson

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    Condoleezza Rice says she wants to return to academia in 2008. She plans to go from the White House to an expensive University, where she'll trade tutoring one rich dumb kid for tutoring a bunch of rich
dumb kids.

    ~Jake Novak

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    President Bush, with full support from France Monday, demanded that Syria exit Lebanon. Within one day Syrian troops were retreating to their own border. You can always tell which countries were French
colonies by the speed of their retreats.

    ~Argus Hamilton

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    The FDA decided to keep Vioxx and Celebrex on the market Friday. Their stock prices shot up. Prescription drugs are so profitable that Colombian drug lords have begun plowing under the cocaine crop to try to find a way to grow arthritis medicine.

    ~Argus Hamilton

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    Dick Cheney said Thursday that America's tax code must be simplified. He said there are more people employed in the tax preparation business than there are in the U.S. Army. That's why it's easier to take Omaha Beach than it is to take away the home mortgage deduction.

    ~Argus Hamilton

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    Hillary Clinton wants election day to be a federal holiday. It seems like it is for most Democrats. They get a nice long vacation when it's over.

    ~Jim Barach

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    Joe Lieberman Sunday proposed evicting Russia from the G-8 Summit until they return to being a democracy once again. Reaction was mixed. John Kerry called it a ridiculous idea, and then added that he wholeheartedly endorses it.

    ~Argus Hamilton

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    French president Jacques Chirac dined with President Bush on Monday. All the formalities were observed. The place setting was arranged in the traditional French manner placing forks on the left, spoons on the right and knives in the back.

    ~Argus Hamilton

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    Doug Wead, a former Assembly of God minister who was Bush's contact for the Evangelical community, secretly taped President Bush's phone conversations for like three years. Turns out the guy, he said he thought it was moral to record someone who was destined for greatness. That's the same excuse Paris Hilton's boyfriend used.

    ~Jay Leno

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