Tuesday, February 22, 2005

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    Last week, I made a comparison of the National Hockey League to the Democratic National Committee. This was inappropriate and I'm sorry if people were offended by this unfair comparison. One is an organization filled with gap toothed goons who whack each other in the head when their backs are turned – the other is a professional sports league. The good news is that so far, not a single Democrat has blamed the NHL cancellation on global warming.
    ~ RightWingDuck


    Stevie Wonder is one of the many celebrities on Michael Jackson's 370 potential witness list. Stevie is expected to swear under oath that not once did he ever see Mike touch a kid.
    ~Jerry Lerman


    Spring training has begun in Major League Baseball. Analysts say the Washington Nationals will look like the town they represent. Lots of stealing and no one is safe.
    ~Alan Ray

Monday, February 21, 2005

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    Michael Jackson fell ill and was taken to the emergency room on his way to the courtroom yesterday. His lawyers were hoping the incident would create sympathy for their client, until it came out that Jackson kept demanding to be taken to the children's hospital.
    ~Jake Novak


    This past weekend, the Democratic National Committee made it official -- electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor they're hoping he can reattach the ass handed to the Democrats in the past election. ... You know, there's something stirring about the peaceful transfer of no power.
    ~Jon Stewart


    The National Ballistic Missile Defense System flunked its second test in two months Monday. The interceptor wouldn't come out of its silo. They are renaming this missile the Civil Servant because you can't fire it and you can't make it work. 
    ~Argus Hamilton

Saturday, February 19, 2005

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    The White House withdrew the U.S. Ambassador to Syria Tuesday while condemning Iran and threatening North Korea. The Democrats were no help. John Kerry proposed giving President Bush the authority to go to war unless we get bogged down afterwards.
    ~Argus Hamilton


    Lawmakers in Washington, Illinois and other states are now considering a vanity tax on cosmetic surgery and botox injections. Could you imagine if they did that in California? That would be huge. I mean Joan Rivers alone could save social security.
    ~Jay Leno


    Hillary is everywhere. Last night she's on Barbara Walters, this morning she's on Katie Couric, and tomorrow she goes on Diane Sawyer. This is the first time Hillary has been on more women than Bill.
    ~Jay Leno 

Friday, February 18, 2005

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    Several news organizations are reporting that the mysterious Watergate figure "Deep Throat," who helped bring down President Richard Nixon, is near death. But younger Americans are confused by this story, as they logically assume "Deep Throat" was responsible for Bill Clinton's downfall.
    ~Jake Novak


    The FAA will cut the number of flights into Chicago's O'Hare. The order effects cross country travel. From LA to New York, the only stops in the Midwest will be for your luggage.
    ~Alan Ray


    Procter and Gamble is merging with Gillette, creating one of the world's most valuable corporations dominant in sales of tooth paste, deodorant and shaving razors. Now just imagine how big that company would be if Europeans actually used some of those products!
    ~Jake Novak

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

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    North Korea's announcement that it has nuclear weapons is forcing the world to ask some tough questions. The U.S. is wondering if it can destroy the arsenal, the UN is wondering if it can use diplomacy to neutralize the situation, and most of the North Korean people are wondering if they'll ever be able to have something to eat besides dirt.
    ~Jake Novak


    Hillary Clinton spoke to a pro-choice rally in Albany Monday held in response to a pro-life march in Washington D.C. She said she's interested in reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies. She's been pressuring Bill to date older women.
    ~Argus Hamilton


    Religion is the only solid Base of morals and that Morals are the only possible Support of free governments.
    ~Gouverneur Morris

 

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

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    Democrats are poised to elect Howard Dean their chairman on Saturday. He has the perfect pedigree for the job. The Dean side of his family founded the Wall Street brokerage firm of Dean Witter and the Howard side founded the Three Stooges.
    ~Argus Hamilton


    The president announced today new budget slashes. And he's slashing education. It is a genius plan -- when the kids graduate they won't have the math skills to calculate how much debt they're actually in.
    ~Craig Ferguson


    The Cartoon Network agreed Tuesday to air commercials warning children about the dangers of gambling. You can't learn too early. The reason the bellmen in Las Vegas hotels look so distinguished is because just last week they were customers.
    ~Argus Hamilton

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

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    The latest reports say that President Bush is going to double the reward for capturing Osama Bin Laden from $25 million to $50 million dollars. $50 million, which sounds like a lot until you think the Mets spent $119 million to get Carlos Beltran.
    ~Jay Leno


    A Brazilian baby was born weighing a whopping 16.7 pounds. The proud parents could think of no name more fitting than Michael Moore, Jr.
    ~Jim Barach


    Cuts in the University of Colorado's budget are forcing the school to stop the practice of chartering planes for the men's basketball team so they won't miss classes. No wonder the school is having budget problems... I mean they actually have classes for the men's basketball team!
    ~Jake Novak

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

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    A state senator from Tennessee, by the name of John Ford, a Democrat, is in court for child support and he revealed he lives with his divorced wife and their three kids three days a week.  He lives with his girlfriend and their two kids the other four days a week. He's being sued by another girlfriend for child support and his ex-wife is pregnant by him again. But the good news today he was given the Jerry Springer lifetime achievement award.
    ~Jay Leno


    Insurgent groups in Iraq criticized the elections and vowed a "jihad" to stifle the fledgling democracy. But experts say the best way to stifle an American-style democracy is to hire lots of high-priced lobbyists.
    ~Jake Novak


    Officials at the New York City subway now say it will take 6-9 months, not 5 years, to repair the damage from a small fire this weekend. What they originally meant to say is it'll be 5 years before they stop using the fire as an excuse to keep raising fares.
    ~Jake Novak

Sunday, February 06, 2005

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    Do you know they return to the polls for another round of voting later in the year? Six months they go back again. So it's basically same Shiite, different day.
    ~Jay Leno


    Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe has agreed to testify against the pop star during his child molestation trial. But defense lawyers say that will violate the long-held legal rule of "husband and paid-off surrogate, phony, throwaway wife confidentiality."
    ~Jake Novak


    The AFC and NFC Championship games were played in arctic conditions in Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. The only injuries reported were when the winning coaches were nearly knocked unconscious when the Gatorade was poured on them.
    ~Jim Barach

Saturday, February 05, 2005

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    Paris Hilton is to host Saturday Night Live this week. When asked about hosting the show she said, "What day do they tape that show?"
    ~Ferguson


    Democratic lawmakers Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi delivered the party response Wednesday. The kindest thing you can say is that they lacked sizzle. If they had ever appeared on the old Gong Show it would have sounded like two o'clock in Beijing.
    ~Argus Hamilton


    NBC says Martha Stewart will star in a new version of "The Apprentice" with Donald Trump as executive producer. Usually to find such powerful crooks and phonies working together, you have to go to a presidential campaign fundraiser.
    ~Jake Novak

Friday, February 04, 2005

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    Liberty, when it begins to take root, is a plant of rapid growth.
    ~George Washington


    Voter turnout was lowest among Iraq's Sunni minority. Saddam Hussein was Sunni and many in the group resent the loss of power. They feel alienated by the current political climate and are unwilling to accept the election results, and may react with violence. They're just like Democrats, except they might actually do something.
    ~Jon Stewart


    Earlier today on only her second day on the job, Condoleezza Rice made Barbara Boxer ambassador to Fallujah.
    ~Jay Leno

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

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    The Super Bowl is Sunday in Jacksonville. The Terrell Owens drama may become like last year's Janet Jackson story. Another overexposed boob.
     ~Alan Ray


    Iraqis are voting in U.S. cities like Washington D.C. and Detroit. The amazing thing is there is more gunfire in those cities then in Fallujah and Baghdad.
    ~Jay Leno


    The Supreme Court declined Monday to decide whether states may offer license plates that read Choose Life. The idea hit one little snag. Asking convicts to make a license plate inscribed Choose Life is a violation of the Geneva Convention.
    ~Argus Hamilton

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

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    Mel Gibson's 'The Passion of the Christ' got nominated for three lesser awards: cinematography, makeup and musical score. Apparently, Hollywood felt the movie looked great, but the story wasn't believable.
    ~Jay Leno


    Johnny Carson is being remembered as a man who introduced America to a series of new concepts, like late-night comedy, opening monologues, and alimony.
    ~Jake Novak


    A federal court says obese people can sue McDonalds for their condition. Legal experts predict a trial could take years. Subpoenas will be served by the counter help.
    ~Alan Ray