Monday, June 29, 2009

I HAVE A DREAM

 



 
 
 




cid:22094CD05A6B4E1AABF2977816175941@your4105e587b6


 
 


 

    Environmentalists say that living naked for a few hours a day will help save the earth. Somebody please keep this information away from Al Gore.
    ~Craig Ferguson




 

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Overcoming Liberalism: A 12-Step Program

Step 1: Admitting that you're a liberal

This is the first step for every liberal on the way to recovery. It is important to understand that you're not "progressive", "moderate", or "enlightened". You're a liberal, and you need to be honest with yourself about that fact.

Step 2: Pledge to support your beliefs with facts

Realize that truth is more important than moral superiority and is the only way to come over to reality. You must research beyond propaganda from the Sierra Club, Hilllary Clinton, and CNN to understand things as they really exist in the world. You can no longer argue based on "feelings" or emotion. You will actually need to back up your arguments with real information. This is a difficult step, because it means you can't be lazy any more.

Step 3: Love America

This may be the most difficult step for those of you who are hippies and peaceniks. Admitting that the country you hate actually stands as a beacon to defend freedom throughout the world can make some of you physically ill. You might want to make a visit to a military cemetery to better understand that these men and women gave their lives so that you could spew hatred. Otherwise, you would currently be living in a police state that would never let you wear that nasty patchouli oil, let alone speak out against your government.

Step 4: Take a college level economics class

A Socialist is defined as someone who's never taken an economics class. Most Socialists have a hard time balancing their checkbooks, let alone explaining the simple concept of supply-and-demand. It's time to flush your complete ignorance of basic economics down the toilet and understand how the world actually functions. This concept will be very important for the next steps that involve communism, facts about corporations, and the inefficiencies of government.

Step 5: Say "no" to Communism and Socialism

While this concept is obvious to most of the free world, it is an important step in your recovery process. If you have difficulty with this step, spend a week living and working in Cuba.

Step 6: Corporations are not evil

If you're reading this article on-line or in an email, it's thanks to corporations. If you get some kind of paycheck, you can thank corporations. If you work for a nonprofit or the government, you still have to thank corporations. The nonprofit sector and the government wouldn't have any money to pay you without corporations. It is also important that you understand that making a profit doesn't equate to "greed" or exploitation. Capitalism has created the greatest society in our world's history. Even communist countries need corporations to survive, so enjoy a nice, hot cup of reality.

Step 7: The government is inefficient

If you are one of those liberals who believe the government should tax us more in order to take care of society, you need to pay special attention to this step. You need to realize that government bureaucracy will waste most of your tax dollars, while the private sector will put your money to much better use. Even most Democrat politicians understand this to some degree, which is why Hillary's socialist healthcare proposal was voted down by a majority of both Democrats and Republicans. Go to your local post office or call the IRS to ask a tax question if you need a reminder about government inefficiency.

Step 8: The earth is not your "mother", and she's not dying

The time has now come to stop your donations to Greenpeace, The Sierra Club, and every other EnviroNazi organization to which you belong. Face the reality that the earth, society and our environment are better off today than ever in recorded history and that they are continuing to improve. I realize that many of you tree huggers will have a very difficult time letting go of the Douglas Fir on this one. I would suggest reading The Skeptical Environmentalist by Bjorn Lomborg. Mr. Lomborg is a former member of Greenpeace and is currently a statistics professor at a university in Denmark. He set out to prove the world was in bad shape and ended up surprising himself by proving the exact opposite.

Step 9: Stop smoking the wacky tobacco

Okay, some of you might need to enter another 12-step program to complete this step. Marijuana is distorting your sense of reality, and you need to stop using it. Besides, you'll save a fortune on snacks.

Step 10: Eat a hamburger

If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat. You can put your sprouts and tofu on the hamburger, but get some meat into you. You'll look and feel better than you ever imagined. You can always remind yourself that Nazi propaganda hailed Adolf Hitler as a vegetarian to get you through this step.

Step 11: Stop re-writing political history

It's now time to admit that Bill Clinton is a lying-cheating-sexist-racist idiot, Hillary Clinton is one of the worst role models for women in this country, Al Gore really did lose the 2000 election by every vote tabulation you attempt, Ronald Reagan ended the Cold War and didn't create the homeless problem, John McCain is not a typical Republican, and Jimmy Carter was once a nice man but no longer, and has one of the worst presidential records of anyone in history.

Step 12: Be a missionary

Once you have completed the previous steps to overcoming liberalism, it's time for you to share this awakening with others who are not as fortunate. Go out amongst the liberal sheep and spread the good word of your freedom from the chains of ignorance that once bound you. Congratulations, and welcome to reality.
 

    At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child - miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosphy of sniveling brats. 
    ~P.J. O'Rourke

Sunday, June 14, 2009

North Korean Information Minister denounces US Denouncement

PYONGYANG, North Korea (June 13-09) North Korea responded Saturday to more United Nations sanctions and another, even firmer, denouncement from the U.S. Secretary of State in a statement on the North's official Korean Central News Agency Saturday. According to the KCNA, the news service the North Korean Information Minister said "We'll take firm military action if the United States and its allies try to isolate us." He was also quoted as saying that his nation would "weaponize" its existing plutonium stockpiles and begin a program to enrich uranium, which can also be used to make atomic warheads.
Describing the sanctions resolution as a "vile product" of a US-inspired campaign, Pyongyang Paul said it would never abandon nuclear weapons and would treat any attempt to blockade it as an act of war. When reminded that North Korea was still officially at war with the US he shouted, "Then we shall declare war again, we will be at double-war! Our initial assessment is that they will all die, the U.S. should surrender now or be burned in their tanks, we have destroyed 2 battleships, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels - we have driven them back. We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted."
"I blame Al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans", the North Korean Information Minister continued, "No I am not scared, and neither should you be God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Koreans, they are stupid, they are stupid [dramatic pause] and they are condemned! The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies, I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place."
"We have them surrounded in their tanks now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there. But at the end we are the people who are embargoing them and it is not them who embargo us. We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead."

A top Republican is angry that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor belongs to an elite private group. The top Republican's angry, and so is everyone at his country club.
~Conan