Tuesday, July 31, 2007

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    Have you seen Hillary Clinton lately? The woman has been getting sexier and sexier. She's so sexy now, the other day by accident, Bill hit on her. Yesterday she was seen shopping in Victoria's Pantsuit.
    ~Letterman

Sunday, July 08, 2007

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    The Chinese government now admits that 20% of its products do not meet the country's own quality standards. And that's even after raising the minimum wage to 4 cents an hour.
    ~Jake Novak

Saturday, July 07, 2007

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    Former Senator Fred Thompson's ex-wife and former girlfriends all say they endorse him for President. No word yet on who the ex-wives of Rudy Giuliani and former girlfriends of Bill Clinton are endorsing.
    ~Jim Barach

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    There was a mix up yesterday at the Hillary Clinton rally in Iowa. Bill Clinton showed up, and people thought he was Bob Barker. They were all disappointed. So was Hillary. She thought he was going to get spayed and neutered.
    ~Ferguson

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Fw: Happy Birthday America

 
ect: Happy Birthday America

t: Saturday, July 03, 2004 3:09 PM
Subject: [Republican Party] Happy Birthday America (Best Viewed Maximized - Sound On - Don't forget the .swf)

 
   
    
 
Presented by:
dRAt Enterprises, Ltd.
 
 
 
 
IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refuted his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred. to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. --And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

--John Hancock

New Hampshire:
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

Massachusetts:
John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island:
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Connecticut:
Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York:
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey:
Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Pennsylvania:
Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Delaware:
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Maryland:
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia:
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina:
William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina:
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Georgia:
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George
Wa
lton

    Isn't our choice really not one of left or right, but of up or down? Down through the welfare state to statism, to more and more government largesse accompanied always by more government authority, less individual liberty, and ultimately, totalitarianism, always advanced as for our own good. The alternative is the dream conceived by our Founding Fathers, up to the ultimate in individual freedom consistent with an orderly society. We don't celebrate dependence day on the Fourth of July. We celebrate Independence Day."
    --Ronald Reagan (1984)

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

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    Congress now has a 14% approval rating, the lowest in the history of poll taking. You know what that means? George Bush is now the popular guy.
    ~Jay Leno

Monday, June 25, 2007

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  More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more likely to get something done.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

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    American sheeple's insatiable hunger for the sensationalized antics of blonde bimbo celebrities is not only ruining this country, but deafening them to far more important messages - such as his announcement that Madonna will be performing at his LiveEarth Concert Extravaganza, where she'll be certain to flash her tits or make out with a chick on stage.
    ~Liberal Larry

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

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    Great day for Hillary Clinton. She choose the song for her campaign, a song by Celine Dion. Is it wise choosing a Celine Dion song? She's a singer best known for doing a song based on a sinking ship.
    ~Ferguson

Mmmm, brains

Click this link for my boy, please.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

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    Our military likes to blow crap up, some countries act like they want the crap blown out of them... seems like we can work something out.
    ~IMAO.US

Sunday, June 17, 2007

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    Director Steven Spielberg has announced that he will endorse Hillary Clinton for president. He says he likes Hillary because she combines the warmth of the raptors in 'Jurassic Park' with the charisma of the mashed potato tower in 'Close Encounters.' ... You'd think he'd endorse Dennis Kucinich after giving him the lead role in 'E.T.'
    ~Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, June 14, 2007

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    Joint Chiefs of Staff [Chair] Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress.
    ~Leno

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

.


    Hillary Clinton gave an education speech Friday in front of a banner that read Jobs for Tomorrow, but it spelled tomorrow with two m's. What goes around comes around. Somewhere on the first tee in Scottsdale, Dan Quayle is telling Hillary jokes. 

Monday, June 11, 2007

.


    There's a rumor that Sen. Hillary Clinton had some plastic surgery. Friends of Hillary denied the rumors saying, "Believe it or not, that's her natural forced smile."
    ~Conan

Sunday, June 10, 2007

.


    There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming.
    ~Leno

Saturday, June 09, 2007

.


    13% of Vermont citizens say they favor seceeding from the Union. This comes as a shock to most Americans who thought Vermont seceeded from the Union the day it made Howard Dean governor.
    ~Jake Novak

Monday, June 04, 2007

.


    Democrats learned that Bill Clinton has a future in the next administration even if his wife doesn't. All the candidates said they would put him to work as a global envoy of some sort. "Under supervision, he'd do okay. He could take his wife with him," Gravel said.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

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    The third largest company for daily oil production is in Mexico. See, this is how we break this immigration deadlock, make everyone sneaking across the border carry just one barrel of oil.
    ~Leno

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

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    What a beautiful day. Sunny and 70. Just like Katie Couric.
    ~Letterman

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

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    Hamas has started a new children's show, which features Farfur, a Mickey Mouse knock-off who teaches Islamic radicalism and hatred toward America and Israel. Farfur replaces the network's previous children's show, Dora the Exploder.
    ~Seth Meyers

Monday, May 14, 2007

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    It's a beautiful day. Or, as Al Gore calls it, the last gasp of a dying planet.
    ~Letterman

Saturday, May 12, 2007

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    The federal government may fine or even imprison film director Michael Moore for taking an unauthorized trip to Cuba. Actually, the feds are only angry because Moore decided to come back to America.
    ~
Jake Novak

Thursday, May 10, 2007

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    Nation, we did it again. This past Sunday, the French people went to the polls and elected conservative, pro-American candidate Nicolas Sarkozy as their new president. ... Just how American is he? He's allowed himself to be photographed with George W. Bush, which means he's more American than many of our presidential candidates.
    ~Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

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    Historic day at the White House. Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with the Queen Elizabeth II. There was an awkward moment when President Bush called her "Queen Elizabeth the sequel."
    ~Conan

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

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    Warren Beatty said he will compete for the role of Richard Nixon in the film version of Nixon and Frost against the Broadway play's star, Frank Langella. One played Bugsy Siegel and one played Dracula. They're both so evenly qualified for the role it may have to be settled by a coin flip.

Monday, May 07, 2007

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    Conservative Nicolas Sarkozy was elected President of France Sunday. Of course in France, a conservative is someone who opposes abortion after the 16th trimester.
    ~Jake Novak

Saturday, May 05, 2007

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    According to the New York Post, Hillary Clinton used three private jets in a single day, in a campaign swing through South Carolina. Today she was officially named a Hollywood environmentalist.
    ~Leno

Friday, May 04, 2007

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    Bush's illegal and immoral veto of a bill that would finally end his illegal and immoral war sends a dangerous message to our troops that not only is the war winnable, but that their congressional leaders are a bunch of limp-wristed surrender monkeys as well.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

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    Denny of Grouchy Old Cripple was contemplating how the Democrats are the new Tokyo Rose because they're hitting the same three themes that the Japanese used in their propaganda, namely:

1. Your President is lying to you.

2. This war is illegal.

3. You cannot win the war.

I'm not sure about #2, but after a little research, I discovered that there was also a fourth theme - which the Democrats aren't using yet, but it won't surprise me when they do - which I'll call for the sake of decorum "Your wife isn't lonely".

    ~Harvey


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

True Life

Went to the local friendly IRS office this morning  I walk up to the 4th desk where a sign says to come for assistance. The guys sitting at the first and third desks let me stand there for a couple of minutes before the guy at the third moves over, literally, two feet to help me. I explain I'm there to get help filling out the "injured spouse" form so I can get my return back. He claims I need a waiting number, goes in the back to fetch one taking a few more minutes. I get it, true to a Monty Python sketch, my number is ringed to be helped before I even get the opportunity to make a firm ass print in the waiting chair. By then the guy in the third desk is back to his original spot. Looks up like he never seen me before and wants me to explain the problem all over again... it goes down from there.


"We're not here to fill forms out for you, we're here to answer questions!" the guy claims. I put the paper work in front of him, "what do I put in line three?" And the process is repeated all the way down the form.

Monday, April 30, 2007

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    Congress passed an Iraq war funding bill that calls for U.S. troops to come home in October. Democrats think they've won a great victory. Won't they be surprised when President Bush annexes Iraq and declares that the troops are now home.

Friday, April 27, 2007

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     John McCain officially announced his presidential candidacy in New Hampshire this week while wearing a dark blue sweater.  Apparently, his dark blue straitjacket was at the cleaners.

Monday, April 23, 2007

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    Record-high turnout in France has led to a runoff between right-wing presidential candidate Nicolas Sarkozy and left-wing socialist Segolene Royal. Experts believe the winning candidate will be the one who is best able to unite the voters with snobbery, cowardice and Jew-hatred.
    ~Jake Novak

Sunday, April 22, 2007

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    Hugh Hefner announced he is backing Hillary Clinton. Hillary actually likes Hugh Hefner. Now don't confuse that with Bill ... who likes huge heffers.
    ~Leno

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Mortuary Mystery

 


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman.  He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."



__._,_.___

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

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    How far have we advanced in the wussification of America?  I am now under attack by the left for wondering aloud why these students did so little to defend themselves.  It seems that standing in terror waiting for your turn to be executed was the right thing to do, and any questions as to why 25 students didn't try to rush and overpower Cho Seung-Hui are just examples of right wing maniacal bias.  Surrender -- comply -- adjust.  The doctrine of the left.
    ~Boortz

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

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    Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife, Lynne, owe $413,326 in taxes, almost $120, 000 less than last year. Apparently, this year Cheney finally claimed George as a dependant.
    ~Pedro Bartes

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

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    In an effort to prove he really is a hunter, presidential candidate Mitt Romney shot and killed the Easter Bunny.
    ~Leno

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

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Democrats have the breathtaking audacity to claim that Bush's replacing his own political appointees is "politicizing prosecutions."
They say this as Sandy Berger walks free after stealing and destroying top-secret national security documents — but Lewis "Scooter" Libby faces decades in prison for )not outing a covert agent. (Let's hope he's learned his lesson!)
They say this as Rep. William "The Refrigerator" Jefferson sits on the Homeland Security Committee while waiting for the $100,000 found in his freezer to thaw — but Tom DeLay remains under an indictment by some hick prosecutor in Texas for an alleged accounting violation.
They say this as Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid draws interest on the sale of a property he sold in a complicated land swindle — but American hero Randy "Duke" Cunningham rots in prison.
They say this while Sen. Chuck Schumer pays no price whatsoever for his Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee having illegally obtained a copy of Republican Lt. Gov. Michael Steele's credit report, for which one employee, Lauren Weiner, pleaded guilty, but served no prison time.
They say this while Sen. Teddy Kennedy is still at large (and getting larger).
Democrats have created a world in which a DNC card is a "get out of jail free" card, and "guilt beyond a reasonable doubt" means "no doubt the defendant is Republican." (If Democrats keep this up, they'll have to rethink their push to give inmates the right to vote.)
    ~Coulter

Monday, April 02, 2007

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    Sunday is April Fool's Day. Unfortunately, in Washington April Fools stick around all year.
    ~HaBlog

Friday, March 30, 2007

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    Did you watch "American Idol” last night? Sanjaya is still on! How is this happening? No matter how horrible he does, he gets voted back. He’s like the George Bush of "American Idol.”
    ~Leno

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

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    Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million into a concrete barrier while practicing at a racetrack, destroying the car but escaping uninjured. Usually to waste that much money and come away unscathed you have to be a Congressman.
    ~Jake Novak

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

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    Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people.
    ~Bill Maher


Sunday, March 25, 2007

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    Gore told Congress that global warming shouldn’t be a political issue it should be a moral issue. And Congress said, "A moral issue? I’m sorry you lost us there.”
    ~Leno

Saturday, March 24, 2007

I'm baaaack


    "It appears we have appointed our worst generals to command forces, and our most gifted and brilliant to edit newspapers! In fact, I discovered by reading newspapers that these editor/geniuses plainly saw all my strategic defects from the start, yet failed to inform me until it was too late. Accordingly, I'm readily willing to yield my command to these obviously superior intellects, and I'll, in turn, do my best for the Cause by writing editorials - after the fact."
    ~Robert E. Lee