Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Obama Urges Americans To Read Last Year's Business Pages

 "If you squint, 2008 and 2009 look a lot alike," President Barack Obama told a hastily assembled White House news conference. "I urge all Americans to stop reading today's newspapers, which are depressing, and instead read the business sections of last year's papers, which are uplifting."

Obama said that stock tables a year ago would remind people of "what it was like to have lots of money, a secure retirement, and a comfortable nest egg." He urged Americans to "invest in the future but live in the past, because it's much more enjoyable."

"Even I don't have job security," Obama reminded reporters. "I could be out of here in less than four years. Granted, I make a larger salary than most Americans and I'll be able to make gazillions doing the speaking trail blazed by my predecessors, especially President Clinton.

"But the average American should take heart in the fact that last year's newspapers, which are available online and at your public library, will make you feel rich again--maybe almost as rich as I'm going to be either four or eight years from today."
~Michael Levin
    "The Oscars are kind of a special time in Hollywood. It's a time when celebrities take a break from worshipping Barack Obama and take some time to worship themselves."

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Bearack Obearma

The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is

beginning to affect U.S. wildlife

Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of joining the Democratic Party. They have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.

Bad news for the octuplet mom, Nadya Suleman. The house where she lives with her mom is in foreclosure. If she loses the house, Nadya will be forced to get pregnant again so she can live in the hospital for another three months.
~Jimmy Kimmel

Friday, February 20, 2009


It's gonna be a rough four years if we're not allowed to make monkey-related comments about the President who has the biggest sticky-out chimp-ears since John Tyler.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


New Vocabulary Word
For The Day


When you look at your investments

and wet your pants.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Happy V day

According to a recent survey, 78% of Americans say the economic crisis hasn't affected the amount of sex they're getting. The other 22% has sex.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Hear is Fear


    Police solved a church robbery after they got the thief's DNA from a half-eaten doughnut the perpetrator left in a box full of doughnuts found in the church's kitchen. There were several suspects at first, starting with all the policemen that arrived to the crime scene.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

So much for Obamanees

A democratic government is the only one in which those who vote for a tax can escape the obligation to pay it.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Destroying the Earth

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And
in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord
saw that there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big
problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans."
"Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system. "
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission."
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S.
Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't
let me catch any owls. So, no owls."
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would
pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat,
and still no owls."
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."
"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country."
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

    The economy stinks. It's so bad, today as I was walking through Central Park, I saw a pigeon feeding an old lady.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Stimulus Plan Q&A

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?  
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.  

    It be great if Iran was actually named Irun so that when we threatened it we could say, "Irun is about to become Iran" to imply we are going to destroy it and thus you'd use the past tense verb. Right now, that doesn't make any sense.
    ~Frank J.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Got me a new truck

     I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer last week because I couldn't get the radio to work. 
 The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On the Road Again' came from the speakers. Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant Georgia on My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson. 
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven, I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their songs. 
Today, someone ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them. 
 I yelled, 'Ass Holes!' Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch. 
I LOVE this truck!

    Toyota is set to recall one million cars. GM is trying to recall the last time they even sold a car.
    ~Jim Barach

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Obama To Turn Gitmo Into Theme Park


WASHINGTON (CAP) - Despite harsh criticism over his announcement to close the US military prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba within a year, President Obama has remain undeterred and is now expanding upon those plans with a move he hopes will quell any Republican concerns. The White House says he plans to turn Gitmo into an amusement park.

"The president believes that there's no more important job that he has than to provide the American people an affordable vacation destination," said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs. "And when this park is done, all of middle class America will be able to walk right down the middle of Main Street, Guantanamo Bay."

The newly-coined Gitmoworld will feature dozens of rides and games for both children and adults, as well as the Bay At Guantanamo, a world-class hotel suite and 20,000 square-foot convention center. Obama administration officials say the president believes the best way to combat terrorism is to "put the capitalism smack-down" on their most hated place of pain and suffering.

"Let this be a message to terrorists and those who would support terrorism," President Obama said as he made the formal announcement. "We will ridicule you. We will deride your cause. We will do what Americans do best - make a buck off your despair."

Read the rest here...



Tom Daschle, who President Obama wants as his secretary of Health and Human Services, apparently did not pay $128,000 in taxes that he owes to the government. Do you realize Obama hasn't had a Cabinet member with an embarrassing tax problem like this since . . . the last guy they appointed?