Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Virus alert

BEWARE THE VIRUS

IF YOU GET AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT LINE THAT READS "NUDE PICS OF SARAH PALIN" DO NOT OPEN. IT MAY CONTAIN A VIRUS.

IF YOU GET AN MAIL WITH THE SUBJECT LINE THAT READS "NUDE PICS OF HILLARY CLINTON" DO NOT OPEN. IT MAY CONTAIN NUDE PICS OF HILLARY CLINTON

 

 


    The international news media is filled with pictures of wounded Palestinians cramming Gaza hospitals. It's proof once again that the biggest reason why so many Palestinians are dying is because their hospitals employ more photographers than doctors.

    ~Jake


Saturday, December 27, 2008

Israel breaks cease-fire

GAZA STRIP, Palestine (Dec. 27-08) The Arab League has condemned the recent Israeli attacks into Radical Islamic Hamas controlled Gaza Strip Saturday. Many leaders have condemned the military response to ongoing rocket fire on Israeli civilian targets including; Ban Ki-moon -- secretary-general of the UN -- who called for "an immediate cessation of hostilities", Mustafa Barghouthi -- the former Palestinian information minister -- said: "This is not an attack on Hamas. It is an attack on the whole population and the free will of the people of Gaza", Mousa Abu Morzouz -- the deputy leader of Hamas -- "Nobody in this world can accept what happened and the Israeli aggression ... [we expect] the international community to stand against this and say that it is not acceptable." He accused Israel of committing "war crimes" and demanded that Abbas and his government stop all relations with Israel.
Al Aqsa TV station, suspected to be used by Hamas for propaganda purposes, said Israeli aircraft blasted targets all over the Strip, including mosques, hospitals, police stations, and the TV studio building itself forcing the station to remain on the air with a mobile unit which delayed the broadcasting of Palestinian children favorite
Assud the rabbit.
Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniya, called the assault Israel's "ugliest massacre" and argued that Israel had violated the truce by preventing vital supplies, namely more rockets, from entering the Strip for their daily celebratory "shelling of the Joooooooooos" ceremony. "Hamas did not fire very many rockets through the cease-fire. It's clear that the one who violated the cease-fire is the infidel Israelis!"
The ceasefire was negotiated last June, not directly but through an Egyptian mediator because neither recognized the other, but the two sides had very different reasons. Israel wanted the release of captured Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit and is extremely wary of becoming embroiled in a military operation in Gaza with no clear exit strategy. Hamas needed the truce to consolidate its control over Gaza and time to rearm themselves. Both Israel and Hamas have their reasons for a return to open hostilities as well, Livni and her allies face a looming election against the more hawkish former Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu while Hamas may be pushing for tactical gains, like doing away with a 600-meter no-man's land established by the Israeli military on the Palestinian side of the boundary fence so their rockets can find Israeli towns across the border more efficiently.

Posted by DaDougster

A German politician suggested that the nation's poor should take jobs as rat catchers. And then he realized that if that happens, most of his politicians friends will be at risk.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A Soldier's Christmas

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

HE LIVED ALL ALONE,

IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE

MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE. 

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY

WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,

AND TO SEE JUST WHO

IN THIS HOME DID LIVE. 

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,

A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,

NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,

NOT EVEN A TREE. 

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,

JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,

ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES

OF FAR DISTANT LANDS. 

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,

AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,

A SOBER THOUGHT

CAME THROUGH MY MIND. 

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,

IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,

I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,

ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY. 

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,

SILENT, ALONE,

CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR

IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME. 

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,

THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,

NOT HOW I PICTURED

A UNITED STATES SOLDIER. 

WAS THIS THE HERO

OF WHOM I'D JUST READ? 

CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,

THE FLOOR FOR A BED? 

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES

THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,

OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS

WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT. 

SOON AROUND THE WORLD,

THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,

AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE

A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY. 

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM

EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,

BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,

LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE. 

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER

HOW MANY LAY ALONE,

ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE

IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME. 

THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT

A TEAR TO MY EYE,

I DROPPED TO MY KNEES

AND STARTED TO CRY. 

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED

AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,

"SANTA DON'T CRY,

THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

 

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,

I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,

MY LIFE AND MY GOD,

MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS." 

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER

AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,

I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,

I CONTINUED TO WEEP. 

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,

SO SILENT AND STILL

AND WE BOTH SHIVERED

FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL. 

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE

ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,

THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR

SO WILLING TO FIGHT. 

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,

WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,

WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,

IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE." 

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,

AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT. 

"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,

AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT." 




    Before we get started, to our Christian views I want to say Merry Christmas. To our Jewish viewers, Happy Hanukah. To our African American viewers, Happy Kwanza. To our viewers working at Wal-Mart, Feliz Navidad.
    ~Leno   

Sunday, December 21, 2008

A Fable (or Not?)

    Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy donkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many donkeys around, went out and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy donkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching donkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of donkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a donkey, let alone catch it!
    The man now announced that he would buy donkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these donkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the donkeys for 717 billion dollars.
    They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of asses!

Now you have a better understanding of how the bank and auto BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!
 
 

    It was so cold in Chicago, Gov. Blagojevich tried to sell Senate seat warmers.
    ~Leno

Friday, December 19, 2008

Obama promises new initiative to help middle class

WASHINGTON DC (Dec. 19-08) Keeping with his campaign promise not to raise taxes on the middle class President elect Obama has proposed a new initiative. "It's not, uhhhh, officially a tax rate raise, hike, surcharge or -- uhhhh -- anything like that. It's simply a new tax all... together." The FDR stylist Democrat announced today. The groundbreaking T.o.T. program has been dubbed a crowning achievement by many non-biased newscasters and pundits, who don't know the details yet and are not going to bother to find out.
CNN correspondent Joey Goebbels explains taking the opportunity to unveil the new high tech hologram pie chart, "This large amount here is how much the federal government actually takes out of your paycheck. It is a combination of payroll taxes plus SSI, medicare medicare, FICA which aren't taxes but... oh who am I kidding, it all goes to the same place they're taxes!. Skipping the State, City, and county payroll taxes we move next to the sales tax or the amount that the government charges you to spend the money it has taxed you on to buy goods whose prices are inflated, between 38-48 after the Fed, State, and local government taxes have taxed the producers who simply pass the tax onto y... why yes, it is complicated. Allow me to explain it in simple terms even my viewers can understand. THE REPUBLICANS WILL VOTE AGAINST IT BECAUSE THEY'RE RACISTS!"
An eventual response was issued from the office of Senator Steven Spineless "W-w-we're not racists... we propose an e-e-even larger tax on taxes to further help the children and so that e-e-every American can show how patriotic they are to pay higher ta..."
"What kind of moron would say something like that?" Joe Biden's office replied, "The Republicans are against Barack Obama's Tax on taxes because they want to shelter their rich, fat cat, Arab, donors! The American sheepl... excuse me, the American people stood up for "change" against that kind of outrageous leadership in the 08 elections and that's exactly what we're going to leave them with!"

Posted by DaDougster

The last time Congress saw the Constitution, it was in their rearview mirror.
~Rich Martin

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Christmas Party Memo


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue.

No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. We're not
trying to exclude anyone, honest! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that the party occurs
during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short
this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little
foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... what do you expect me to
do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit
the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping"
employees, but we'll try to accommodate your drumming circle during
the band's breaks. Okay???

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to
be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a
red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or
family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up for a minute?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings,
too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream,
I'm hearing them scream right now!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your
cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon
of the 23rd off with full pay.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 

    Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. Apparently he didn't realize that congressional positions are not for sale. They can only be rented by lobbyists.
    ~Jim Barach

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

How politics works

 
    Three  contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Capitol Bldg. in Illinois. One from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the  third, from Florida . They go with a Capitol Blg. Official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape  measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a  pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." 
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring,  then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300  for my crew and $100 profit for me."       

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Illinois official and whispers, "$2,700."  The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!  How did you come up with such a high figure?" 

The New Jersey contractor  whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy  from Tennessee to fix the fence."  "Done!", replies the government official.
            

And that, my friends, is how it all works!

 

    If hooking up an Iraqi prisoners nuts to a car's battery cables will save just one life, then I have just three things to say; Red is positive, black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.
    ~T. B. Bechtel

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Fred Thompson on the Economy

The Artful Dodger

BAGHDAD, Iraq (Dec. 17-08) On Sunday, an Arab journalist overshadowed U.S. President George Bush's fourth and final visit to Iraq by launching both his shoes during a press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki. "It is the farewell kiss, you dog!" Muntazer al-Zaidi screamed as he launched his first which the US President ducked. "This is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq." the Shiite party member hollered as the second shoe was blocked by the Prime Minister. "Iraq was so much better under Saddam" al-Zaidi muttered as U.S. and Iraqi security agents wrestled him to the ground, "we had 100% election rates, a socialized shock treatment plans, two for one eye gouging days, free beating for every family member!"
"All I can report is it is a size 10," Bush quipped as he tried to keep his composure and continue the signature of a landmark accord setting a three-year timetable for the withdrawal of US forces. "I wonder what he thinks would have happened to him if he would have thrown shoes at Saddam" Bush questioned. A meek reply could be faintly heard from down the hall, "my baaaaaaaaad."
The Iraqi journalist is being hailed as a hero in parts of the Arab world and liberal press. Colleagues of Muntazer al-Zaidi, who works for independent Iraqi television station Al-Baghdadia, mentioned he "detested America" and has been plotting such an attack for months if he ever got the chance. Shoes thrown at you are considered the ultimate insult in Arab culture, for some reason western media seem inclined to tell the world this as if it was a sign of respect somewhere in Europe or parts of the southern US.
"I don't like Bush, but I don't agree with this action -- it's not civilised," shopkeeper Hamza Mahdi said "Journalists should use pen and paper to make their point and not their shoes." One of his customers, disagreed; "Me, I support him. Everyone should support him. Don't you remember what the Americans did to us? Have you already forgotten?" Um Seif, replied obviously forgetting about the beheadings, rape rooms, and gassing of Kurdish villages under the former regime.
~Posted by DaDougster

The sister of the late John F. Kennedy, Jr. has had no experience with electoral politics but said she is "perfect for the job because the election of Barack Obama shows that qualifications are no longer necessary."

Monday, December 15, 2008

Bush Visits Iraq, Gets Shaken Down Again

BAGHDAD, Iraq (Dec. 14-08) President George W. Bush made a farewell visit on Sunday to Iraq aiming to celebrate a new security pact between Washington and Baghdad last month that paves the way for 140,000 U.S. forces to withdraw by the end of 2011. Between visits with President Jalal Talabani and Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki Iraqi oil barons have also flown in on private jets as well, hoping to catch a meeting with the exiting President turban in hand, asking for a a multi-billion bail out.
They claim to be victims of the recent global financial crisis. Recent drop in gas prices have had a significant cut in profit margins which could cause millions of jobs lost and more than $100 billion in wages sliced out of an already-fragile U.S. economy. "Wall Street has been bailed out, soon the auto-manufacturers will be bailed out -- despite being shot down by the people's elected Senate -- we Iraqi sheiks want to get in on it before the US newspapers demand their bail out money" claimed Ali Rollin Indough a struggling Iraqi oil tycoon.
"With the national average at $1.60 per gallon we would also like President Bush to open an investigation into price fixing feeling we are being gouged at the pump by a greedy populace" said Muhammad Needanoder Towncar X. "Oil prices don't fluctuate with production decisions from the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries, naaa, the prices aren't a function of a complicated open market, the result of futures contracts being traded on the New York Mercantile Exchange, or Nymex, and other exchanges around the world and the rush, or lack thereof of, buyers pushing oil futures to a series of new record highs or lows, and the rest of the energy complex-- including gasoline futures have nothing to do with prices. The efficiently of how refineries are operating, cost of turning oil into gas to taxes to marketing costs to conflict in the Middle East, Nigeria, that wacko in Venezuela, weather conditions around the world, demand from U.S. drivers has nothing to do with how expensive or cheap the price of gas is at all. We believe, like many Americans, that the President has a dial somewhere in the West Wing that dictates the price of gas for every consumer on the planet. We would just like him to go home and turn it up a few notches in these tough times, that's all."
~posted by DaDougster

Why is it every time we have a government crisis, we reverse to feudalism? We need a mortgage duke. A duke of mortgages. We need an energy ayatollah in this country.
~Jay Leno

Saturday, December 13, 2008

23 suspected pirates captured

NEW DELHI, India ( Dec.13-08 ) The Indian navy seized 12 Somali and 11 Yemeni suspects, two small boats and a substantial cache of arms and equipment in the Gulf of Aden, between the Horn of Africa and the Arabian Peninsula Indian officials reported.
International Maritime Bureau said armed men have been staging increasingly bold hijackings on nearly 100 vessels off Somalia's coast, the Gulf of Aden, and Indian Ocean this year alone. Insurance costs have increased as foreign navies have rushed to protect merchant shipping. Sea gangs often take crew and passengers hostage and demand a ransom and still hold some 20 ships, among them, a Saudi "supertanker" loaded with $100 million worth of crude oil.
Navy spokesman Commodore James Norrington claimed the warship responded to a distress call Saturday morning from the MV Gibe, a merchant vessel sailing under an Ethiopian flag. Upon arrival, 13 nautical miles from the Mysore, Norrington reported they witnessed the two ships side by side firing small arms at one another. Ropes extended from the deck of the aggressor ship 30-40 feet above to the rails of the merchant ship. Men appeared to be dressed in 15th century garb attempted to climb the ropes but were hendered by the lack of traction of their wooden prosthetics.
The Indian Navy launched an armed helicopter which drew astonished looks from the attackers. Shouts of "shiver me timbers" could be overheard as the pirates boarded back in their vessels and attempted to flee. The warship quickly caught up to the boat which was described as a non-motorized, 600 year old galleon bearing the Jolly Roger and identified as the Black Pearl.
The 23 suspects surrendered peacefully but under protest. "Avast ye scurvy dogs, we not be Pirates!" said Captain Chumtooth the apparent owner of the vessel, "why, we were jus' out for a harmless weekend cruise, plan'n on simply lounging around the poop deck drinking a pint of grog or two. We not be a' plunner'n for booty, noooooooooot us."
The crew was immediately arrested, in addition to maritime pirating they will be charged with sexually harassing the female members of the Navy who, the entire voyage home, had to listen to wise cracks about their "fine treasure chest", everyone claiming to be named "Long John Silver", speculations of where they would like to drop anchor, which portholes they would fire their cannons and repeated requests to "blow me down".
~Posted by DaDougster

The movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" was nominated for a Golden Globe Thursday. It's the story of a man who is born old and gets younger with the passing of time. Apparently, the writer got inspired by the life of Kenny Rogers.

Friday, December 12, 2008

OK, everyone, sing along, cadence notwithstanding ...


    On the 2th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival,
 my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship
 gave to me: 
 
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, 
 
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 8-member pit orchestra made up of
 members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for
 in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a
 note), 
 
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
 ruling class system leaping, 
 
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, 
 
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
 from enslaved Bovine-Americans, 
 
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, 
 
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, 
 
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
 incarceration, 
 
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to
 throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and
 partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid
 further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has
 been revised.) 
 
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs 
 
THREE deconstructionist poets 
 
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses 
 
and... 
 
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. 
 
Merry Christmas !!!!
 
(unless otherwise prohibited by law) 
 
* Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected
 Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous
all for celebration with a suggestion that your have a thoroughly
 adequate day.
 
 

    Sen. Rod Blagojevich was arrested for brazenly trying to sell the vacant Senate seat left by Barack Obama. You don't buy a Senate seat in this country. You take up donations; you go out and lie to the American people; you make promises you're never going to keep — that's how you become a senator.
    ~Leno

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Blagojevich responds to Obama's demand for resignation

CHICAGO (2008 12-11) - Today President elect Obama condemned the radical Illinois Governor's activities, asked him to resign and further stated there is no evidence they ever were close friends. He described Mr. Blagojevich as "a guy who lives in my state, but not somebody who I exchange ideas from on a regular basis." Mr. Obama said he was being unjustly linked to "somebody who engaged in detestable acts 4 days ago, when I was 47 years old."
In response Blagojevich said that he hardly met with Obama on Dec 5th to discuss the filling of his Senate seat, simply saying "H*ll yea, like thousands of others in F***ing Chicago. And, like millions and F***in' millions of others, I wish I knew that F***ing F*** F********* better. That would be f***ing golden, and, uh, uh, I wouldn't giving it up for f***in' nothing... and you can put that on tape!"
In response President elect Obama stated "Mr. Blagojevich is not involved in this campaign, he has never been involved in my campaign, and uh, uh, uh, he will not advise me in the White House, I have nothing more to say in the matter."
~Posted by DaDougster

Barack Obama has said he will use his full name when he is sworn in: Barack Hussein Obama. In a show of support, Joe Biden said he would use his full name: Joseph Adolf Fidel Puppy Killer Biden
~Craig Ferguson

Monday, December 08, 2008

Ford CEO Breaks Down On Drive Back From D.C.; Demands $600 Million From AAA

 

Ford CEO Alan Mulally, driving a 2009 Ford Explorer Hybrid, broke down on I-76 just east of the Ohio state line and demanded $600 million from the AAA tow truck driver assisting his vehicle.

"The least the Auto Club can do is give me $600 million to complete my trip," Mullaly told a hastily assembled Youngstown, Ohio news conference. "Where would the Triple-A be without Ford? They'd have a lot fewer cars to tow and repair. That's where they'd be."

The AAA driver, whose name was Ed, reportedly told Mr. Mullaly that he "didn't have that kind of money on him" and "would have to call people back at the station."

Mullaly said that he "wasn't looking for a bailout, but instead, just a loan of $600 million" to "tide him over" until he got back to corporate offices in Detroit.

"We can be profitable again if we just start making cars people like," Mullaly said. "I mean, that could happen. At least in theory."

Ed, the AAA driver, said that Mullaly requested at least $50 of the $600 million in one-dollar-bills, "so he could pay his executives their new salaries and also tip the topless shoeshine girls at the rest stops on the Interstate between here and Michigan," according to reports.
The Big 3 Detroit CEO's are set to ask for a bailout again today, this time in front of a House committee. They actually don't need to ask again, it's just that they need another day to find some place to recharge their electric cars.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Some MachoSauce

 
 
 
 

    Little bit of history trivia. It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country, where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as we call that today, a bailout.
    ~Jay Leno

Friday, December 05, 2008

A little Sat for your ire?

Prominent Male Hooker Forced To Step Down Amid Accusations Of Sex With Sleazy Evangelical Leader

A prominent male hooker, Dirk Blackman, was forced to give up his position as the head of a large national prostitution ring when it was revealed that he had repeatedly had sex with sleazy evangelical leader Ted Haggard.

Members of the prostitution ring were shocked by the allegations. "There are some things that you don't even do for money," said one man, who gave his name as Johnny Lovehandles, bemoaning Blackman's "intimate physical contacts" with the virulently anti-gay and shamefully untrustworthy pastor.

The Haggard scandal was the latest in a string of revelations concerning male prostitutes fraternizing with conservative right-wing figures, including the bombshell that male exotic dancer Milli Flotilla had turned his Miami dressing room into a secret shrine filled with revealing photographs of Rush Limbaugh and Sen. Bill Frist photoshopped to depict them in compromising scenarios involving Dennis Hastert and a constitutional amendment prohibiting gay marriage.

At first Blackman denied that he had sex with that "theological conman," saying that Haggard had been sent to his Denver hotel room and that he had only gotten a quick sermon. Yesterday Blackman admitted that some of the charges were true, but denied that he had ever supported social security privatization.

Today Blackman is entering the William F. Buckley Clinic for the Sexually Obsessed With Hypocritical Conservatives.

 

Posted by Tom Burka

 

 


    Jeb Bush was asked by Florida Republicans Wednesday to consider running in two years for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by the departing Mel Martinez. Don't laugh. Jeb Bush has tremendous name recognition, and if he can overcome that, he's in.

    ~Argus Hamilton


Thursday, December 04, 2008

The BO cabinet aka - the clinton years again

 
 
 

    The big rumor is that Bill Clinton could be a possible replacement for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat when she becomes secretary of state. How about that, huh? Yeah. I believe it's the first time Bill has ever shown any interest in Hillary's seat. Isn't that ironic?
    ~Jay Leno

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

R - rated

John McCain was so confidant on election night he told Cindy "go buy the sexiest lingerie you can find because tonight you will make love to the next President of the United States"!
John returned home beaten and dejected as the last of the west coast results came in, found Cindy in the bedroom with a beautiful negligee.
"Well..." she said.
"Well what?!?!" McCain replied.
"Well, where's Obama?"
 
 
 

    Today was the big day for online shopping. This is known as Cyber Monday. Did you know that? And of course, tomorrow is Identity Theft Tuesday.
    ~Jay Leno

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Politically Correct Seasons Greetings

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or
secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not
to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is
the only "AMERICA" in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual
preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is
subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no
alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void
where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the
wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance
of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wisher.

Happy Holidays

Today the First Lady read the "Grinch" to a group of school children.
There was an unfortunate event when she was interrupted by Dick Cheney when
he yelled, "Go Grinch!"
~Conan

Monday, December 01, 2008

International Con Man Barack Obama Leaves U.S. With $85 Million In Campaign Fundraising

 

CHICAGO—In a devastating blow to millions of unsuspecting Americans, newly elected president and international con man Barack Obama fled the country Wednesday with nearly $85 million in campaign funds.

November 11, 2008 | Issue 44•46

International Con Man

Barack Obama as he appeared to millions of Americans, along with four of the president-elect's former disguises.

According to FBI investigators, Obama's sudden disappearance was discovered at 6:15 p.m. when the former Illinois senator failed to arrive at a gala event in Lincoln Square, prompting several aides to rush back to his campaign headquarters. At 6:23 p.m., flight logs at O'Hare International Airport confirmed that two passengers, a male carrying two silver briefcases and dressed in a perfectly tailored Brioni tuxedo, and an African-American female wearing a fur coat and speaking in a thick Russian accent, were seen boarding a private plane.

Obama's campaign office, sources said, was completely vacant aside from a discarded Abraham Lincoln portrait, behind which was an emptied safe that his aides claimed never to have seen before.

In addition, three unconscious Secret Service agents were discovered at the scene, along with two lit cigarettes still burning in an ashtray, and Obama's daughters, who authorities now believe were taken from an Alabama foster home six years ago.

The only item found inside the metal safe was a letter, handwritten with a fountain pen and titled "An Explanation, My Dears."

"To my tender little pawns, the all-too-trusting people of America," said FBI lead investigator Ray Hilland, quoting the letter at a press conference Wednesday. "If you are reading this, then I have already left your silly country in my private jet, and am right now sipping fine champagne with my lovely associate, a woman you have come to know as 'Michelle.'"

Read the rest here...

 

 


    The two turkeys that president Bush pardoned for Thanksgiving will travel via commercial plane to Disneyland, unlike the other turkeys Bush will pardon soon, the CEO's of the big auto companies that will travel with their own jets.
    ~Pedro