Thursday, December 18, 2008

Christmas Party Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue.

No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time.

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. We're not
trying to exclude anyone, honest! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that the party occurs
during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short
this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little
foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... what do you expect me to
do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit
the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping"
employees, but we'll try to accommodate your drumming circle during
the band's breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to
be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a
red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or
family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up for a minute?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings,
too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream,
I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your
cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon
of the 23rd off with full pay.


    Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. Apparently he didn't realize that congressional positions are not for sale. They can only be rented by lobbyists.
    ~Jim Barach

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