Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Destroying the Earth

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And
in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord
saw that there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big
problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans."
"Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system. "
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission."
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S.
Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't
let me catch any owls. So, no owls."
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would
pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat,
and still no owls."
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."
"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country."
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

    The economy stinks. It's so bad, today as I was walking through Central Park, I saw a pigeon feeding an old lady.

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