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    A study shows there is no link between cell phone use and brain cancer. However, there is a direct correlation between cell phone use and brain inactivity.

    ~Jim Barach

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    Wendy's Corporation announced that their chili sales are down due to some kind of problem. They say they can't seem to put their finger on it.

    ~Jay Leno

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    Thailand has ordered cigarette packs to have gruesome pictures to highlight the dangerous effects of smoking. Next they will start labeling sugar packages with pictures of Michael Moore and Kirstie Alley.

    ~Jim Barach

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    I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
    ~Bart Simpson; writing on chalkbaord during show opening

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    I was making a speech on the Senate floor and I said, "Now, Gentlemen, let me tax your memories," and Kennedy jumped up and said, "Why haven't we thought of that before?"

    ~Bob Dole

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    Men in Oakland, California, who are caught soliciting prostitutes, will have their pictures placed on bill boards and bus shelters. Usually, you only see pictures of men who solicit prostitutes on election posters.

    ~Jake Novak

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    Enlightened statesmen will not always be at the helm.

    ~James Madison; Federalist No. 10

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    Federal agents busted a $12 million marijuana operation that was operating across the street from a public school. Police became suspicious when the school bake sale raised $40 million.

    ~Conan O'Brien

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    More banks and brokerage firms are firing employees for even minor ethics lapses in hopes of avoiding prosecution. Luckily, all the fired executives are finding jobs in Washington.

    ~Jake Novak

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    Scientists have discovered the fossils of a Tyrannosaurus rex in Montana, including some soft tissue. An examination showed the 70-million-year-old dinosaur's blood vessels were virtually indistinguishable from those of Supreme Court justices and U.S. Senators.

    ~Jake Novak